Check. Check. Is this working? Hello~? Don’t you hate it when you start talking and get really far in what it was you had to say but then some baldy in the back of the room stands up and shouts: “Hey, you with the bad dye job, the mic’s off!” Yeah, I hate that too. Of all people, baldies really should know better than to hurt other peoples’ feelings. In any case, it’s always good to double check all of the equipment or else you’ll make your dear mother cry (from shame!).
-Ahem- anyway…
I guess this is where I talk a little about myself, right? Right. Well, being a spirit, my real name is sorta personal. Like, really personal. Assuming I had a wife, I probably wouldn’t tell her either. She would blab it to all the neighbors the second I didn’t do the dishes the way she wanted. Then, BAM, next thing you know, snot nosed school kids are summoning me to answer their earth-shattering questions like “Does little Jimmy Smith down the street like me? Tee Hee?” Of course he doesn’t like you. You sound so insincere when you say “tee hee”, plus you have abnormally long nose hairs.
The point is, knowing a spirit’s real name is like putting a collar on them. And for me, that would stink. So, no, you can’t know my real name, my real age or my real measurements (I‘m shy), but there are some things I can tell you about myself, in no particular order. For the most part, I go by Freckles, Mister Freckles. I wish people would come up with a nickname for me that didn’t make me sound like a domesticated spotted owl, but we can’t have everything we want. For instance, right now I wish I could have some melon soda (Don‘t judge me, it really is delicious!).
Here’s a little story that might help to take my mind off of my current liquidy desires. Oh, and I guess tell you a little more about myself. Years ago, two high ranking shadow spirits had a beautiful baby boy and that handsome little devil was me.
(To answer your question, yes, my parents were incredibly good looking. Though my father does have a receding hair line... but that doesn't mean anything for my beautiful locks! N-no... nothing.)
My parents hoped that I would become a social climber, but seeing as I flunked most of my classes except for finger painting and sticking uncooked elbow macaroni up my nose, it became obvious that I wouldn’t amount to much. Don’t worry, though, they quickly realized their grave mistake and had a second baby. Luckily, my sister turned out to be a real overachiever so I went through school without much pressure from the ’rents.
After getting a pass in my compulsory education for being such an amazing school athlete (I played golf), I went to Spirit Community College where I got my degree in Ancient Languages of the Wood Elves of the Mediterranean. Yes, that is as niche as it sounds. But it could have been worse: I could have decided to study poetry. Actually, that’s a lie. This story can’t help me forget about wanting soda at all. In fact, all its done is made me hungry for some curry, too!
Let’s see, something else, something else about me…oh, I know. I’ll tell you some secrets about myself that even my own dear parents don’t know. But you have to promise not to tell anyone else because I have a Cool Image I need to maintain, alright? First of all, I have a scar on my face. I tell people I got it fighting off a fire demon in Egypt, but that’s a complete lie. I actually got it when I was part of a Cabaret during a particularly bleak point in my life. Long story short, my high heels broke and I fell head first off the stage. Don’t worry though, my face broke my fall. Oh, also, I really like cats. My favorite parts of a cat are the soft pads on their feet. Sometimes when I think no one is looking, I’ll squeeze a cat’s paws and make baby noises and make faces at the cat. Passersby might think I’m strange, but the cat and I both know we’re bonding. Also, I keep a bunch of magic scrolls around my neck. They look like they would be a really powerful weapon in battle, but they’re actually a souvenir my sister bought for me when she went on a school trip to visit Mt. Fuji. But, still it looks cool, right? But don’t worry, I actually do have a power at my disposal! Other than my good looks and charming personality, I also have a demonically possessed left arm! The one draw back is that even though the possession symbols look pretty cool and intimidating up close (I can even rearrange them to spell out threatening messages or my grocery lists!) the demon that’s in there… is actually a wood whittling demon. No, that isn’t code or some sort of obscure double entendre. When I take off the shackle that keeps the demon in check, he’ll start whittling down all wood around him into animals or scenes from his favorite movies. In fact, the whole reason I wear the limiter at all is because one night while I slept, the demon took over and whittled down an old man’s wooden cabin into a series of 1/100th scale model DeLoreans just because he’d seen Back to the Future that day. You might be saying to yourself, “Why, my dear Mister Freckles, that’s a rather narrowly specific superhero ability, don‘t you think”, but believe you me, there will come a time when my ability to whittle an accurate reenactment of the Last Supper using only my left arm will mean the difference between life and death!
Oh, yeah! The most relevant thing about myself! Why I’m here. I should probably say it’s because I really want social change, but that would be yet another lie and I’ve already got some really shaky karma as it is, so I’ll tell the truth: I don’t really have a choice. Jobs in the Spirit World are rather scarce, but I figured since I’ve got a few superhuman abilities, I could make a living here and maybe make a difference while I'm at it. I might not seem all that powerful, but I’ve got guts and belief in my own abilities!
What? I don’t sound like a good superhero?! You shouldn’t be so judgmental before you get to know me! Didn’t your momma ever teach you to not judge a book by its cover?! Give me a chance, you’ll see!
